Written On: 9/25/05
Personal Narrative Essay
So melancholy it was walking through the gray and feeling gray, wondering if I would make friends today, or ever. Would someone talk to me today? Maybe I will make friends...just maybe.
The screech of my alarm clock forced the lids of my eyes open wide. I could feel the pupils of my eyes becoming mere periods as the sound of the alarm was screaming at me to move. I knew after I pressed the snooze button that my room was an unusual shade of dark. I looked outside to see a portrait of black. My mind put the pieces together...there was to be no sunshine today , just a sweet nightmare taking shape on the other side of the glass.
I knew I had to face the world. Today had come and yesterday had passed into the past's realm, bringing another day I must trudge through with vile solemnity. My peers were like cats, making me, the shaking field mouse waiting to be slain, wonder which claw would seize my throat first.
Today would be much like that of yesterday and the many yesterdays before it. I was 13, and the homely sort one would find under the oldest tree writing poetry. Everyone I knew perceived me as peculiar. I had no friends for I wasn't of the happy realm within which all the cheerful spirits dwelt. I was the shadow over the sun that made the world colder, and the wilting flower that poisoned the wishing well. My eyes were like a razor willing to dissect even the most benevolent individual. My hands craved the sound of my fingernails upon the chalkboard because it silenced the wicked thoughts, and the rumors about my existence.
Upon arriving in homeroom for my first lesson as a seventh grader, I noticed the immediate scent of old textbooks. The smell made me think about the millions of trapped pieces of microscopic flesh concealed within each page. The next to initial emotion I felt was fear. I walked inside to the only remaining desk in the back of the room. I sat there mesmerized, for all was quiet and the rumor's wings were still shut.
My second major acknowledgment was realizing the contrast between me and my classmates. Their mood was painted by the colors of happiness, while I was the black hole that the instructor called on in the room's far reaches. ...
"You must be Kayc." she said politely.
"Yes." I said shyly.
"Please move up a seat." the instructor asked.
I pretended my ears were shut, and I didn't obey the request for it was one step closer into a world where I didn't belong.
"Are you going to do as I ask?" the instructor said flatly.
"Very well then. Stay back where you are." the teacher said as if annoyed.
"Alright." I said to myself as if saved by a thread.
As soon as a minute passed, the rumor's wings were opened and began flying from person to person. The eyes of my peers began to wander and smiles broke from their lips. I should have felt happy, for I was the source of their happiness anyway. If only the teacher hadn't called on me, and if only she hadn't encouraged those closed wings to open.
Soon enough the bell rang for three o'clock. The day had been like any school day with the exception of it traveling at warp speed. I was tired and since it was the first day back into school, I had time to relax. School days went on like this for about a month. Then the hatred began to spew from the mouths of my peers again. Who knew people could be so evil, and be raised under God?
While walking into science class, I was planning on completing the lesson and writing notes. Walking to my seat however, was harder with each step I took toward it. A group of girls including Macy who was the worst of them, started staring at me with utter disgust.
"Can you spell freak?" said Macy.
"Yes, can you?" I said reluctantly.
"I can." Macy laughed.
"Good for you." I said.
After I walked off, I could hear the unison chiming of Macy and her obnoxious friends tauntingly spelling out "F R E A K" letter by letter. Anger arose inside of me as the chanting kept going. I soon became a pot ready to boil over. I walked straight up to Macy and punched her in the eye with as much conviction as I could conjure. The result was more hate being thrown my way from Macy's clique. I was thrown to the the wall and smacked across the face by Rebbecca, Macy's best friend.
Thank heavens we were the only ones in class that early, or I would have probably had an audience cursing at me. On the other hand, I was in a million pieces. My mind was scattered, and my hand was spasming like it was placed in a light socket. I sat just waiting for more torture, just waiting for more pain to bring me falling face forward into defeat. Then, I saw a light at the end of the tunnel. A girl dressed in white was sitting next to me writing away on a piece of paper. She was silent like me, and she appeared to be alone like me. The question was, should I talk to her or let her be? The silence urge at me, but she was the one who spoke the first word.
"Don't listen to the weak Kayc." she said.
"Who said I was listening voluntarily?" I asked weakly.
"No one, just tune them out." she replied.
"What's your name?" I asked with curiosity.
"Belle." She said flatly.
"Why do you venture to talk to strangers Belle?" I asked softly.
"Because I am a stranger myself." Belle said.
"Interesting..." I said.
"Well, I best be reading...class is almost over, do you want to walk with me after?" I asked.
"Sure." Belle said.
As soon as class ended Belle and I walked to math class. I found it awkward however to find Macy shocked after being so spiteful. What had gotten into her? Whatever it was, the rest of my class resumed the same expression and made an effort to stay as far away from me as possible.
The bell sounded above. Belle caught up with me after class and we walked home together. She said she lived in a house a few blocks away from me, but she couldn't stay long because her mom would be worried. My house was just a half a block away. Once I was by myself again, I pondered the anguish and the truth of the day. I experienced a malicious tease that shook me, while I also found what I could never find...a friend! We had almost everything in common too. Everyday would be filled with light from now on. No more solitary existence, and no void would exist in my life anymore. From that day forward, we became inseparable. We discussed our deepest secrets, and we wrote poetry that I kept.
I became increasingly happy, yet still taunted and teased by my peers. However, one day I met Sarah. I knew her from grades passed and we knew where each other lived. One day she came up to me and we struck up a conversation about miscellaneous things. It's strange how a simple mood change can effect people's perception. By being my old, solitary self I had no one. When I came across happiness, people became more eager to speak to me.
When I saw Sarah at school the next day, Belle was with me for awhile until I spoke of her. When she heard the very name drop from my lips her mood changed dramatically. The once happy Belle, became angry and walked away with eyes welled with a teary sea. My only real friend, was not speaking to me. Sarah then came up to me and noticed the sadness in my eyes.
"What's wrong?" Sarah asked soothingly.
"Nothing, I just read a sad story that's all" I said.
"Well, my friends and I are going to catch a movie on Friday, want to come with us?" Sarah asked with a belated smile.
"I don't think I can, but maybe next time." I replied in haste.
"Alright" She said happily and walked away.
I hadn't talked to Belle all day. I walked in the front door and headed for my room. The door was shut and everything was in place as I had left it. The only difference was that Belle was sitting at the foot of my bed. I was of mixed emotion. Should I be upset, or should I be happy because I found her? Without thinking, I spoke.
"Are you alright Belle?" I asked in fear.
"No!" Belle snapped.
"What did I do?" I asked with curiosity.
"You replaced me." Belle said shortly.
"Replace you? Why would I ever replace You?" I asked frantically.
"Only you know that answer." said Belle angrily.
"It's Sarah, isn't it? We just became friends. That doesn't mean I replaced you!" I exclaimed.
"If I am such an importance to you, would you do anything I tell you to?" Belle asked.
"If it means keeping our friendship." I said in wonder.
"Stop talking to Sarah then." Belle said flatly.
For ten days I ignored Sarah completely. Oddly, I felt again that I was missing something, like the void was returning. Sadness danced upon my thoughts and depression's tied me up again. I was changing back to that lonely being with no one to talk to or listen to. Some days were like the heart of Hell. There was no mercy for what was left of eternity. Even though I was with Belle, everyone knew I was down and that they had every chance in the world to kick me.
One day it became too much to handle. My mind was so bruised by the fierce monotony that I was deeply crestfallen. I left after school and could only think of how horribly I was being treated, and how I ignored Sarah. When I was about to lie down, I saw Belle come rushing up to me.
"How do you keep getting in here?" I asked frightened.
"Through your window." Belle said happily.
"Well, stop!" I snapped.
"Why? I thought we were friends?" Belle snapped back.
"We are, but I want to be friends with Sarah too!" I cried.
"No!" cried Belle.
"We are going to be friends if you like it or not!" I screamed.
"Then you won't have me!" Belle screamed.
"You aren't being very rational! I hate you right now!" I screamed.
"Just shut up! I am not leaving here until you say you will not talk to Sarah!" Belle screamed.
And for one long hour, I cried and cried. The battle between us was pulling me apart like an unraveling seam. I sought comfort in the object that comforted me long before Belle did. An object that was faithful always.
I began to feel the skin unzip. The raging sea that raced out upon the marble floor seeped into each minuscule crevice like creeping snakes in midnight grass. My thoughts scattered and I began to feel lifeless. The pain was like fire running from my veins. I was falling to pieces never rebuild...I was creating my deathbed, and I was back to square one.
"Boom! Boom!" went the door. Someone was knocking!
"Don't answer it!" Belle pleaded.
"I am going to answer it! Don't try and stop me!" I spat.
"Come in!" I announced.
Belle fell silent again and in walked Sarah. Since I rushed behind the bed, Sarah couldn't see what I was doing.
"Kayc! How have you been." asked Sarah politely.
"Ok I guess." I murmured.
"Listen, I was wondering what is wrong, you haven't talked to me in over a week." Sarah asked very concerned.
"Well, I have been busy." I said hastily.
"Really? I never see you with anyone...you just leave school without a word." Sarah said.
"What do you mean? Belle and I are together all of the time!" I exclaimed.
"Who? I have never seen her!" exclaimed Sarah.
"We sit together you know!" I said frantically.
"Kayc..." Sarah said blankly.
"What?" I said.
"You sit alone." Sarah said.
"No I don't!" I cried.
"Who is Belle? I never see her at school!" Sarah exclaimed.
"You should leave!" I exclaimed angrily.
"Not until I find out what is wrong with you! Let's talk." Sarah exclaimed.
Soon after Sarah's last words, Belle screamed not to leave or she would forever hate me. Sarah and I merely stared into each other's eyes, until Belle screamed at me again.
"Stop talking to that witch!" Belle screamed.
"No! Sarah is my friend. Stop screaming!" I screamed back.
What happened must have mortified Sarah, because she started crying. I immediately ceased screaming at Belle to figure out what had gone wrong.
"Sarah, what's wrong!" I exclaimed.
"You are talking to thin air!" Sarah exclaimed.
"No! I am talking to Belle. She is at the foot of my bed for Christ's sake!" I explained.
"Kayc, there's no one there!" Sarah cried.
"Of course there is!" I screamed.
I rose from my position behind my bed. Her eyes then grew somber. Her face grew pale and I could see her lip quiver. Somehow it was like she felt the same torture I felt so many times before. I did not know her well, but she read me as if an open book.
"Kayc, Belle isn't real!" Sarah exclaimed.
"Then how is it I know her deepest secrets? How is it that we wrote poetry that I keep in this very chest?" I screamed.
"It never happened!" Sarah suggested.
"Prove it!" I screamed.
With a quick gust of energy, Sarah raced to the cedar chest. Within seconds the poetry was taken out.
"See I told you!" I cried.
But with one swish of her hand, the pile fell to the floor... every blank, wordless page.
"Belle, how could this be!" I screamed.
"Stop it Kayc! She isn't real. Please tell yourself that." Sarah whispered frantically.
And as she asked I forced myself to believe she wasn't real. I hadn't made a friend at all, I only made myself crazy. Never should I thought I had a friend who cared...never. I was lost, and suddenly fainted. When I awoke Sarah was still there. When she smiled down at me I could feel that void being filled. My soul felt weightless again. No longer was it burdened by insanity's heavy weight. I soon was conscious enough to speak.
"Sarah, what happened?" I asked.
"You fainted and I bandaged your wrists." Sarah replied.
"Thank you." I said groggily.
"Don't mention it. I am just glad I got to you in time. I wouldn't have ever seen you again otherwise." Sarah said quietly.
"I just can't believe she wasn't real Sarah." I said sadly.
"No imaginary being is going to haunt you anymore." Sarah whispered.
"I hope not. Will this stay between us?" I asked abruptly.
"Nothing leaves this room...I promise." Sarah said quietly as I drifted off into a day dream.
When I crossed that blurry line between sanity and insanity, I realized one thing. Friends are people to count on no matter the circumstances, friends stay no matter how crazy the situation, and self harm is never the solution. If Sarah had came later, who knows what the outcome would have been. I now express myself through talking, being active with my friends, and writing it out on paper. Instead of the once constant darkness...there is light at the tunnels end for now and for the future. And as a constant reminder of my dark life, I always choose my friends wisely.